Why dating is hard for both men and women

It seems these days’ men and women are having a difficult time finding the right person. In this blog. I will breakdown the reasons why this is and what we can do to fix this.

First and foremost, women are the ones with the power in the relationship; at least in the beginning. They choose who they will and will not date based on many factors. This is an evolutionary outcome and is seen in almost all species including our own. This is because women have a limited number of eggs available to produce offspring unlike men who can have virtually an unlimited number of offspring, example Genghis Khan. Additionally, it is women who will be the ones with the 9 month pregnancy and with the rise of sexually transmitted diseases it is women who are more at risk.

This all results in a more selective female and thus women will choose men based on strict criteria. According of OK cupid 80% of men on OK cupid are seen as unattractive in the female mind. These means that 80% of men will have a very hard time finding anyone to date them let alone marry. This also results in the upper 20% of men becoming a rare commodity in the eyes of women thus allowing these men to be more selective. On average, more selective men (men with more options) are less likely to settle down and instead play the field. Yes, there are exceptions but this is how most men will operate. This leaves many women without a stable partner and 80% of men without a partner at all. With the rise of technology, this will only make women more selective as dating apps make it easier to pick and choose. This can lead to a smaller proportion of men being datable and thus datable men having an even bigger insensitive to date around due to their higher and higher demand.

This trend does not have to be the end all be all however. While it goes against evolutionary thinking of most women, they need to stop having so many things on their list. Educated, steady job, good pay, tall, attractive, funny, and social; all of these things are a prerequisite in many women’s minds. It’s not so much how picky you are with a particular attributes that is causing this problem, it is more the number of things you are looking for. Having standards is good but knowing the standards that are most important to you is just as important. For example, many women insist on an educated man but most college graduates now are women. This discrepancy will leave millions of men and women without a partner. In general, men want one maybe two things in a partner. One example they may desire in a female is to be mildly attractive and kind. However, men also need to change. The upper 20% of men with many options, need to be able to recognize a good women when they see one and hold on to her even though there may be others available. Finally, the 80% of unattractive men can do a lot to change their situation. Women find a lot of things attractive in a man, many of which are stills or attributes that you can acquire. For example, becoming educated or having a steady job is very attractive in many women’s eyes.

Thanks for reading and let me know your views on dating. If you enjoyed reading don’t forget to like, share, and subscribe to my blog!  To subscribe just enter your email into the box on the upper right. I post every Sunday at 8 AM pacific standard time!

Cheers,

Letters to Help

MGTOW

Sunset 16Men going their own way (MGTOW). These are men who have given up on trying to find that special women. This blog will mostly be about how the MGTOW movement is just as extreme as the feminist movement. Both of these movements try to simplify the opposite sex and make each other out to be evil.

1. MGTOW is made up of men who have been burned to many times by women

Before I begin let me first say that I can understand some of what MGTOW is saying. I have been fortunate enough to have only dated truly wonderful people. Yes, I have been badly hurt by women before but I can’t even imagine what it would be like to be hurt by someone who you spent decades with. I do not hate MGTOW, if anything I feel sorry for them. They have been burned so much that they are willing to give up their desire for sex. I can only imagine the level of pain one must have to go though in order to consider MGTOW a possibility. I also respect them. Most men have such a strong sex drive that forgetting women would have to take a lot of self-control.

2. Finding yourself should come first before meeting any women

One thing that I think MGTOW does really well is emphasize that fact that your own personal growth should come first before trying to find anyone else. You should not look for women to make you feel whole. You should be your own man and be able to be happy without women. Only when you can do these things should you search for someone. Women not there to fix you. Your partner should help you become a better person. They should be a catalyst for your growth, not your life support.

3. Look inward at who your attracted to

The people I have talked to who declares themselves MGTOW have been burned to many times by women. However, I have found that a majority of these men have a horrible time looking beyond a women’s beauty and seeing who they really are. If your attracted to beautiful demons of course your only going to keep getting your heart-broken. At some point you need to take some responsibility for your relationship decisions and learn to do better.

4. MGTOW is not a viable solution for a lot of men 

Men were not born with a womb so if you ever want children you’ll have to get with a women. There are other options but unless your extremely well off these options are to far out of most men’s financial reach.

5. Will you really be happy when your 80 years old and alone?

Sure being single may seem fun when your young but do you really want to grow old alone? Women can take everything from you but they can also give you everything.

6. Not all women are evil

Just like feminism tries to demonize men MGTOW tries to demonize women. Both of these groups are extremists groups. In a perfect world men would simply go their own way without any negative or positive emotions towards women. Unfortunately, what makes most men go MGTOW is the constant disappointment they have experienced with women. It is hard to feel nothing but hate after something like that but it is important not to lump people into groups. Grouping individuals is a way for the mind to simplify things so to better understand them but it also causes the brain to look over exceptions to the programmed stereotypes. Yes there are some really nasty women but there are also some wonderful ones too. Instead of giving up on all women why not try to get better at picking out the good ones from the trash?

Thanks for reading and let me know your thoughts on MGTOW. If you enjoyed reading don’t forget to like, share, and subscribe to my blog!  To subscribe just enter your email into the box on the upper right. I post every Sunday at 8 AM pacific standard time!

Cheers,

Letters to Help

How to find a girlfriend on tinder

Sunset 25Tinder has a bad reputation for a place to just hook up but it turns out that 80% of people on tinder are looking for a relationship. Online dating has become the norm and we need to learn how to navigate it. So without further ado here is how to find a girlfriend on tinder. Enjoy!

1. Don’t be too picky when it comes to swiping 

There are a lot of hot girls on tinder but looks don’t always mean that she will be fun to hang out with. Some of my best dates have been with average girls.

2. Find out if she lives close 

If she lives far away there is almost no point in continuing the conversation. We are no longer in high school. I don’t care how hot she is, if there is no way to get to her on the weekends there is no point in starting anything. You don’t want to be wrapped up in an online conversation. They are boring and only make you wanting more. Additionally, if the girl is to shy or unwilling to meet in person forget about her. There are a lot of scams and catfish story’s on tinder but a lot of them can be avoided by simply not playing their game.

3. Don’t ask why she is on tinder unless she brings it up 

That kind of conversation should be had but not until you meet in person. You can ask that question on the first date but not before. Additionally, all serious conversations should be held off until you are both face to face. Girls can be picky when it comes to things but even more so when they don’t even know you yet. Get her to see who you really are before jumping into any of that.

4. Don’t be the one who is putting labels on your relationship 

Don’t believe the lie that girls like it when a guy is blunt about trying to find a girlfriend. If she ask tell her truthfully your intentions whatever they are but only if she asks. Jumping into telling her how serious you are about finding a girlfriend might make her feel trapped and/or you coming off as clingy. Believe me, if she likes you and wants a relationship with you she will tell you. Until then just try to enjoy your time together and try not to think to far into the future (at least at first).

5. Ask her out for something casual

A good example of this is a coffee date. Don’t fall into the trap of trying to figure out the perfect date. My friend struggled with this for a long time. He would spend so much time trying to come up with the perfect date that the girl would get disinterested after a while. Set up a time soon. Which brings me to my next point

6. Don’t chat with her forever on Tinder. Ask her out quickly

Maximum of 1o lines of dialog from you. Online conversations are always going to be more boring than in person ones. If you spend too much time talking to her online there is a chance that she will get bored and stop responding to you.

7. Save the specific details of the date for after you exchange numbers 

After you exchange number’s set up a concrete time and place where your going to meet. This should be the first thing you both talk about over text.

8. Confirm the time and location the day of the meet up 

This is a courtesy for the girl. Some girls get nervous and think that there date will bail on them. By sending them a confirmation asking if your still on for tonight it assures her that you are thinking of your date.

9. Don’t take this too seriously, know the goal of the first date 

The goal of the first date is to get to know each other, find out if you’re a good fit for each other, and have a good time. Don’t be worrying about what she thinks of you. Just try to be yourself and have a good time. Remember this is the 21st century. She it not a prize, so don’t treat her like one. You should not be trying to “win her over”. If anything having the mindset that she needs to win you over. Don’t ever voice this opinion but internalize the idea. It will give you more confidence when talking.

10. You need to be the one who slowly escalates the meet up from new friends to potential love interests

This point can be made in several different ways. Each man has his own way of doing things but all I can talk about is how I like to escalate. I tend to do most of the escalation with touch and body language and not with verbal cues. I talk to them like I would anyone else but I slowly integrate touch into the equation. For example, my first move might be holding her hand if we are crossing the street or gently putting my hand on the lower part of her back as I open the door for her. From there maybe wrapping my hands around her waist. If we where physically close to one another (looking each other in the eye) I might sift my hand through her hair and compliment her on its softness all the while maintaining good conversation.

11. Reading body language is a must and requires practice

All of the escalation only can happen if you can read her body language correctly otherwise you will just come off as creepy or “handsy”. For example, if when I tried to grab her hand she pulled away slightly I might hold up on the next step until she is more comfortable. Folding her arms is another sign that you crossed the line in her comfort zone and you need to back up to the last physical interaction. Do Not just blaze on through with your physical touch escalation plan. This will get you slapped or worse. For each escalation look for how she responds. For example, if when I sifted my hand through her hair she smiled, touched me anywhere, or looked at my mouth briefly I would know it was ok to lean in for a kiss.

12. Set up a second date and repeat the steps above 

The second date can be a casual like the first one (ex. picnic) or more of a formal date (ex. dinner and a movie). For me I love conversation and exercise so I might invite her out for hiking.

13. Realize that getting a girlfriend is easy, maintaining a relationship is hard

For more information see:

5 Tips to Getting the Girl of Your Dreams

Tips for men: how to have a good first date

Traits of an amazing girlfriend and relationship

8 Mistakes Couples Make That You Can Avoid

Thanks for reading and let me know your experience with tinder. If you enjoyed reading don’t forget to like, share, and subscribe to my blog!  To subscribe just enter your email into the box on the upper right. I post every Sunday at 8 AM pacific standard time!

Cheers,

Letters to Help

Reasons to Date online

Sunset 26Online dating has picked up speed in recent years. No longer is it this scary place where weirdo’s meet up. In this blog I will highlight some of the advantages of online dating that has made it become such a widespread phenomenon in recent years. Enjoy!

1. The realistic alternative sucks 

The dream is finding the love of your life through a friend. However, we all know that this scenario is very rare so we are forced to turn to bars and clubs. Bar’s and clubs are places where the worst of the worst in our society hang out to have sex  with each other. The fact is that your much more likely to find someone substantial using online dating.

2. It’s cheaper 

At a bar a guy is going to have to drop some money on drinks, transportation, and any fee to get into the joint just to talk to a girl. With online dating you can make your first date be as simple and inexpensive as meeting for a cup of coffee. You can impress her with your intellect and charm rather than your pocketbook.

3. It’s a time saver 

With online dating it is just a much more streamline process. If you know what you’re doing with only a few bits of dialog you can set up a time and a place to meet an interesting man or women. With conventional dating it’s really a hit or miss right from the start. There are many hoops to go through just to get her number let alone a date. You have to go through that annoying song and dance of trying to find out if you both like each other or not. With online dating you both know the other person has an interest in you.

4. Your not the kind of person who likes to party or drink heavily 

Like it or not the majority of the time conventional dating involves excessive amounts of alcohol. Some people are just not party people. Online dating is a great way for two introverts to find each other.

5. Both men and women are at a more even playing field

At a bar or a club the girl is always the one being perused. This gives the girl a lot of power which is bad for both men and women. For men this is obsessively bad because you are more likely to be rejected. It’s bad for women because they miss out on good opportunities because there ego gets naturally inflated by the influx of men. The majority of the time this results in her picking the man who can win her over the best…the player. You see at a bar first impressions are a much bigger deal then when meeting someone online for the first time. If your first impression is bad at a bar she might throw you out before she even gets to know anything about you. When your meeting someone online both parties have traveled some distance to meet each other. Both people are invested and are unlikely to just call it a night because of one mistake he makes at the beginning of the conversation.

6. People can get together because of logical reasons instead of just luck 

Leaving love for chance is for fools. They are the same fools who get desperate later in life to find someone because there prince or princess has not shown up yet. If you want to find that special someone your going to have to meet a lot of not so special people along the way. That way when that special person does show up you can recognize just how special they are.  If nothing else online dating teaches us about what kinds of people are out there.

7. The fantasy of dating a friend of a friend is not as great as it sounds 

Let’s just imagine that you get lucky and the fantasy of dating a friend of a friend does happen for you. Now you have to remember that over 50% of marriages end in divorce and even more relationships don’t even make it to marriage. If you break up at some point (which is statistically likely) then not only will you have lost someone you loved you have also really screwed up that friendship with your friend that induced you. If you break up, your friend will now have to choose between the two of you and you might end up loosing a friend along with a lover.

Thanks for reading and let me know your opinion on online dating.  If you enjoyed reading don’t forget to like, share, and subscribe to my blog at www.letterstohelp.com! I post every Sunday!

Cheers,

Letters to Help

Advantages to dating older women

Sunset 27Most guys want that 20 something hottie who is just dripping sex appeal. Unfortunately it is a real rarity that those types of women have any substance underneath. If you want someone with substance may times you have to date down. However, there is a third option, dating older women. In this blog I will be highlighting just some of the advantages to dating older rather than younger women. Enjoy!

1. More mature 

They think differently. The drama and the bull is non-existent with older women. They know what they want and they know how to ask for it. They also tend to be better communicators because communication takes time and practice to learn.

2. They are not broke 

If your well off younger man the only way you can invite a young women to go with you is if you pay for her. If you are a strong believer in trying to split everything 50/50 this can be very challenging with younger women. Older women have been in the workforce longer. They are more likely to have a stable income and money to enjoy. Most young women on the other hand are worse than broke, most are in debt. Don’t take on her responsibilities. Find an older women who can support herself.

3. More experienced in bed 

This is the one that everyone talks about. Yes they are going to be amazing in bed and rock your world. What I love though is that they will also teach you how to be better in bed. It is a great feeling when your confident in the sack and they will give you that confidence.

3. Generally they still love having sex 

If there an older women seeking a younger man one of the reasons probably is because they still have a healthy libido and want someone to share it with. Enjoy it!

4. Knows how to have a cool date 

They most likely have lived in the city you’re in for some time and have went on many of dates in their time. They know what places are amazing date spots. You will learn more about your city from them and learn to appreciate the knowledge they have.

5. Appreciates the things that younger women take for granted 

Your energy and youthfulness is what attracts a lot of older women to seek out younger men. These qualities all young men possess but only older women will appreciate and take full advantage of it.

6. Wise 

I can’t tell you enough how awesome it is to have someone who you can really talk too about things. Someone you can ask for their advise and you know that they know what they are talking about. A partner should be someone who you can seek advise from. If you dating a moron all you will get is the physical which gets old fast. Good conversation lasts a lifetime.

7. They are healthy 

If you’re dating an older attractive women the only way she could be able to stay attractive is with a healthy lifestyle. Being around people who are healthy is a positive environment to be around. Even if you’re not trying to healthy their positive lifestyle will still rub off on you.

Thanks for reading and let me if you prefer older women and why.  If you enjoyed reading don’t forget to like, share, and subscribe to my blog at www.letterstohelp.com! I post every Sunday!

Cheers,

Letters to Help

Tips for men: how to have a good first date

Sunset 28The first date is an important milestone in any relationship. It is the first look at how compatible you are for one another and can be the spring-board to a great relationship. Here are my tips on how to have a good first date.

1. Pay for everything on the first date

Yep, only on the first date though. It is a way of saying to her that you’re not cheep and are willing to support her. Observe how she reacts when you go to pay. If she expected you to pay that is a huge red flag. The classic move a girl should do is start to take out her wallet when the check comes. She will most likely be expecting you to tell her to put the wallet away but it’s a good sign that she isn’t just there to leach off of you.

2. The first date should not be expensive 

Don’t go to some fancy dinner on the first date. Somewhere respectable sure but don’t break the bank. You don’t want to spoil her too much on the first date otherwise she will be expecting that kind of treatment on every date. Win her over with your charm, not your wallet.

3. Be a gentleman 

Hold the door open for her, pull her chair out for her. These easy things will set you apart from all the other guys out there.

4. Work on your conversation skills 

The only way to do this is do go on a lot of dates. Learn what works and what doesn’t. Warning: don’t become a robot. A good conversationalist is both a good listener and a good story-teller. Think back to some good experiences you had in the past. Be able to recount them in an entertaining way. Learn how to transition from one conversation to another by listening to what she is saying and trying to relate her story to another story of yours.

5. Build up your confidence 

Again this will come with the more dates you get under your belt. The best thing to do is to try not to put her on a pedestal. Believe me, she may seem amazing on the surface but everyone has something ugly about them. Don’t think of her as a prize, think of yourself as the prize. Don’t try to win her over. She should be trying to win you over. When you can emit this kind of confidence girls will be begging to see you again. Which brings me to my next point.

6. Relax 

Being relaxed will make you seem 10 times more confident. Almost all the dates you will go on are with someone who you won’t spend your life with so try not to stress about it. Watch your posture. By leaning back in a comfortable position taking up space you will not only seem more relaxed and confident you will begin to be more relaxed and confident. This is because your mind and your body are linked. When one is stressed the other mimics that emotion. If you can control your posture you can begin to alter your mindset.

7. Attempt to have a physical interaction 

This should be a slow build. Start with somewhere neutral like her back, then transition after some time to hand holding, leg caressing, and finally kissing. You may not make it all the way to kissing and that is totally ok. Do not force anything, it will only make you come off as a creep. Be very aware how she responds to these stimuli. If she is warm and embarrassing proceed further after a while. If she folds her arms or tries to step away do not proceed. Girls are very different when it comes to the amount of physical touch they like. There is no real way of figuring out how much is too much without trying it out, watching how she responds, and reacting correctly to her response. If you pay attention to her body language you will not come off as creepy.

8. Assume she likes you 

This goes with having confidence. Warning: there is a fine line between confidence and arrogance. The difference between the two is mental state vs actions. A confident man believes that every girl in the room wants to get with him but does not act on his beliefs. An arrogant man believes and acts like he thinks of himself as a king.

9. Have a good mix of funny and deep conversations 

If you can make the girl laugh she will be putty in your hands. However, make to many jokes and you will come off like a clown. By mixing in funny conversations with deep conversations there will never be a dull moment. You will come off as a funny guy with a lot of depth and complexity to your personality. This kind of combination is irresistible to both men and women.

10. Push the limits of what you feel conformable doing

If you feel nervous making a move she will pick up on that. The only way to get over your fear is to continually do the thing your most afraid to do. After enough failures you will find success. This might be somewhat messed up but it is a strategy I see a lot of guys using: practice on a women you are not very attracted too. It is a lot easier to think about your action plan when your hormones aren’t going crazy. After enough time it will become second nature. Which brings me to my next point.

11. Don’t try to be perfect

Failure is a part of dating. If you’re a man and have never been shut down by a women your either lying or you have never approached a women before. Don’t be afraid to fail. Learn from failure and grow.

12. Don’t agree with everything she is saying 

Nobody likes a yes man, especially women. If you can have a friendly debate with a women it shows her that you can be talked to even when you don’t agree. Too many people can not have a debate without getting angry at one another. These type of people you want to stay as far away from as possible. No one is going to agree with you on everything. At some point your going to disagree and when that happens you need to be able to talk about it.

The first date is only the first impression. If this is a girl you want to keep around your going to have to do more. Your going to have to work on yourself. For more on self-improvement see my previous posts.

Thanks for reading and let me know your strategies for first dates.  If you enjoyed reading don’t forget to like, share, and subscribe to my blog at www.letterstohelp.com! I post every Sunday!

Cheers,

Letters to Help

What I have learned from my past relationships

Sunset 29Relationships can be very rewarding during and even after it is over simply from learning and growing. Break-ups can be hard but they can also be a catalyst for real positive change in your life if you let it. Here are just some of the things I have learned from my past relationships. Enjoy.

1. Right from the beginning it is important to be open and trusting in a relationship

Your base emotion going into any relationship should be grounded in trust and openness. Yes you will get more trusting and more open as the relationship progresses but if your naturally closed off and distrusting of the other person you will never get to that point in the relationship. Unless they do something that breaks that trust you should assume they are a good person and deserving of your affection. Do not date someone you don’t trust or can not be open with. If it takes you a long time to be open and trusting start by making friends with them first but don’t try to be a couple when you can’t even tell each other what is really on your mind. I know that the more times you get hurt the harder it is to be open and trusting with someone. However, you have to fight that and keep on putting yourself out there. Not only will you get stronger but you will also learn more for each new experience. Being vulnerable is the only way to truly fall in love with someone.

2. It is ok to be sad after a breakup

Give yourself time to grieve. Don’t lie to yourself and pretend your fine. This type of mindset will only come back to haunt you later.

3. Breaking up does not mean it was all for nothing

After you eat a great meal do you think…well that was pointless. No of course not. Your body needs food just like your soul needs company. Yes breaking up sucks but hopefully you had some good times while it lasted. You will continue to have good times, just with someone else more compatible.

4. Don’t play the blame game

I am always hesitant when dating someone when they tell me that all there ex’s were awful. Either that person makes terrible life choices or they are refusing to take responsibility for their part in the breakup. If you go around blaming everyone in your life for your situation then you will never think to look inside yourself and face your demons. No one is perfect and everyone can improve themselves. Breaking up gives us a window for us to look in on ourselves and see what needs to change so long as we are willing to look. To many people refuse to take any responsibility and continue to make the same mistakes over and over.

5. Knowing when to leave and when do stay gets easier to figure out when you get older

When I was younger I would drop people way too soon. One little thing I didn’t like and we were through. Didn’t talk about it, just ended it. When I got older I had the opposite problem. I stayed in relationships that I knew would never workout. Today, it is still hard to find out how good my relationships are but I think experience has helped be become a little wiser.

6. Before breaking up with someone make sure to talk to them first and try to work it out

Communication is key. If you feel like something is missing you need to voice that. It could be that what ever was missing wasn’t because of your partner. It could be something in yourself that you haven’t yet gotten grips with.

7. Don’t rely on your partner for happiness

A good relationship happens when two fully functioning individuals come together and enhance each others lives. If you’re not happy being alone you need to work on that before entering into a relationship. The people in your lives should be the steel bars in your reinforced concrete. Without them you can do just fine… with them your indestructible. Work on yourself and but don’t try to change others.

8. Opposites might attract but only for a short time

If you’re trying to find a life partner that person has to like some of the things that you like. You need to have activities that you can enjoy doing together, preferably healthy activities. If you guys think completely differently it will be very hard when you guys eventually want to move in or start a family.

9. Before making any important decision in your relationship jerk off first

For the love of pizza do not tell your girlfriend you love her for the first time when you’re having sex. Your decisions should be based on rational thought and as many guys will attest to, your penis can get in the way of this. Love is real and it stays with you after your jerk it. Lust however, fades as quickly as your erection does.

10. Ask your friends what they think of your girl 

This requires you to have good friends who wont just tell you what you want to hear. Girls do this all the time but guys definitely need to seek relationship advise more.

11. Don’t feel rushed to settle down 

Love will come, just be patient. Too many of my friends got married because they were afraid of being alone or they thought it was “time”. Go on a lot of dates. Have a lot of sex. That way when you do find the one your won’t have a mid-life crisis because you already did all the things you wanted to do in your 20’s. Besides, if your living life correctly the older you get the better person you should become. The better person you are the better mates you can attract.

12. I know she felt like the one but there will be others 

When my first long-term relationship ended I thought I lost the love of my life and was absolutely devastated. I thought I would never get over her. But then something amazing happened. Time. With time I did get over her and I did find someone else who I loved even more. There comes a time when you have to decide if the person your with is the person your going to spend the rest of your life with. Just don’t be to premature when it comes to your decision.

Thanks for reading and let me know what you learned from your past relationships.  If you enjoyed reading don’t forget to like, share, and subscribe to my blog at www.letterstohelp.com! I post every Sunday!

Cheers,

Letters to Help

 

How to move on from a breakup

Sunset 30Getting over a breakup can be hard but it can be done. There is nothing that will help you get over your ex more than time but there are some things I have found that can help you cope with the loss. I hope this helps. Enjoy!

 

1. Embrace your sadness

You just broke up, it is perfectly normal to feel upset. In fact it is healthy to cry. If you try to bottle it all up you will only be prolonging your sadness. Let it out. You can do this alone and then if you want with a friend.

2. Get rid of any doubt that you two will ever get back together

It’s hard to move on when you don’t accept that it is over. Don’t be one of those couples that keep breaking up and getting back together. If you broke up it was for a reason. Accept that it is over and do not try to get her back.

3. Get rid of anything that reminds you of her 

You will think about your ex a lot over the corse of the next few months. You shouldn’t try to block out the feelings you had together but you shouldn’t have to constantly have things like cards, stuffed animals, or photos always there reminding you.

4. Do not let you memory betray you

A common mistake people have is when they look back at their relationship they only recall the good times. They tend to block out all the bad stuff that led to the breakup in the first place. Be as objective as you can about your relationship.

5. Do not contact them

You will never get over them if you don’t spend some time away from them. It doesn’t have to be forever, just until you both can move on fully.

6. Do not look them up on social media

Again, a hard break is the only way to go. You think about them enough as it is. You don’t need pictures of them to remind you. Resist the urge, you’ll thank yourself later.

7. Have sex 

One common thing that guys worry about when they break up is the lack of sex. Thus, the best way to overcome this fear is to have sex. Depending on your charm this might take some practice but if you had sex once you can have it again. Warning: Don’t be an ass. If you dating someone be clear about your intentions. It is not fair to the other person if your just using them as a rebound and they think it’s something real. Be honest.

8. Realize that is was not a wast of time

You had good times that do not go away simply because you broke up. There is a weird cultural misconception that a relationship can only be good if it last forever which is simply not true. Sometimes a relationship has run its course, this doesn’t mean it was a failure. Learn from the mistakes you made in the relationship and work on improving yourself for the next relationship.

9. Let go of hate

Your goal after a relationship is not to find a life long person to hate for the rest of your life. Sometimes know one is the bad guy. Sometimes people are just not ment to be together. You goal after a relationship is to feel nothing for the other person. Not hate or love. Simply nothing. It is only then that you can move on.

10. Exercise

You need to do something to take your mind off your ex. Exercise will get you out of the house and away from your negative thoughts for a while. It will also help you sleep at night (the time when it can be hardest not to think about your ex). Plus, it’s good for you and will give you confidence for your next dating experience.

11. Find the right balance between being alone and being with friends

This balance will be different for everyone but listen to your mind. Sometimes you need to be alone with your thoughts. Other times you just want the thoughts to stop. It is during this time that you need to be with friends.

12. Take care of yourself

There is always a period of time during a break up where you get so sad that you just stop caring. This is normal and totally fine so long as it has an end date in sight. Don’t be miserable in your room for months. Give yourself time to heal but recognize when your self-pity is doing more harm than good.

13. Realize that there is no magic pill for getting over your ex

The things I listed can help you but nothing will help you get over your ex more than time. It is ok to feel sad, it means your human. Society tells us to always appear happy all the time but there are some times when it is ok to be sad. Take the time you need to move on, don’t try to rush it. Know that with time it will get better. If you continue to evaluate your strengths and weakness in relationships and strive to be better you will find a better, more fulfilling relationship with someone more compatible for you.

Thanks for reading and let me know what you do to get over your ex.  If you enjoyed reading don’t forget to like, share, and subscribe to my blog at www.letterstohelp.com! I post every Sunday!

Cheers,

Letters to Help

Red flags in a relationship

Sunset 31It can be hard to spot a good relationship sometimes. Sometimes it is only after the relationship is over that we spot the many flaws. I hope this list can help you figure out if your relationship is healthy or one which needs to be left in the past. Enjoy!

1. Lack of communication 

This on I think is the most important one on this list. Without good communication hate will start to creep into the relationship. That hate will just keep building until it ruins the relationship. The only way to stop it is to talk about what is wrong. If you don’t talk nothing can be done. Think of communication like cleaning your apartment. You don’t have to do it all the time but you should do it often. Often enough that when you walk in though your front door you can see your floor.

2. Jealousy

Ok everyone gets jealous occasionally and that is perfectly normal. However, if your significant other is telling you not to hang out with people because of his or her jealousy then we have a problem that stems from lack of trust. It may not be their fault. They may have been hurt in the past which is why there so protective. Doesn’t matter. It’s something they need to work on and if there not actively trying to fix their jealousy problem then its time to move on.

3. Differences in sex drive 

Food, water, and sex. These are the three things that evolution has ingrained in us to want. If you don’t have enough of just one of these things you’re not going to be happy. Most likely if your reading this you don’t have to worry about the first two but many forget about the third. Sex is how our species keeps going. It’s an urge that can not be stopped. Thus, if your going to be monogamous with someone then your going to have to have the same sex drive. Doesn’t matter if it’s a lot or a little so long as it’s the same.

4. Always fighting

Some fighting is normal and can be an indication of a healthy relationship. But if you find yourself hating the other person more often than you love them its time to move on.

5. Abuse 

Goes without saying, abuse is never ok. I don’t care how good of guy you think he is. This goes for you too men. A lot of men put up with an abusive girlfriends. Just because it doesn’t hurt does not mean it’s a problem. Someone who is abusive is someone lacking in communication skills and empathy. Two things you must have in order to be with someone.

6. Differences in spending habits 

Long term relationships are a lot like a business. Yes there is love and affection but there is also the boring stuff like what kind of toilet paper should we buy. These things are small but add up over many years. Lucky this can be fixed if you both have good communication.

7. Differences in affection level 

If one person is very touchy and the other is not its going to cause conflicts. Every person displays their love in a different way. Some people it’s gifts, others it’s praise, and some its though touch. If someone isn’t open to receiving your love in whatever form you naturally give it then its time to move on.

8. He or she no longer makes you happy 

The whole point of relationships is that you enrich each others lives. Your not always going to get along but if your constantly miserable together that’s a huge red flag. Warning: make sure it is your significant other that is causing you unhappiness and not yourself.

9. Lack of teamwork 

This goes back to the idea that a relationship is a lot like a business. One persons strengths should be the others persons weaknesses and vis versa. If you notice all the other things on this list also make you better team players.

10. Lack of trust 

This is why I have the rule that if someone in the relationship cheats the relationship is over. After someone cheats the trust is gone. Without trust a relationship can not grow just like a plant can not grow without water. Besides, if someone cheats on you they were probably a worthless human being and you deserve better.

Thanks for reading and let me know some of the red flags in your past relationships.  If you enjoyed reading don’t forget to like, share, and subscribe to my blog at www.letterstohelp.com! I post every Sunday!

Cheers,

Letters to Help

Traits of an amazing girlfriend and relationship

Sunset 36Relationships can be the best thing that has ever happened to you or the worst and it has everything to do with compatibility. Here are just some of the traits of an amazing girlfriend and relationship. Enjoy!

1. She let’s you hang out with the boys

There is nothing worse than a needy girlfriend. She should encourage you to have a social life outside of the relationship. You don’t want to be that guy who only hangs out with his girlfriend. Feel free to invite her to hang with the boys every once in a while just don’t overdo it.

2. She tells you why she’s upset instead of making you guess (good communication)

Many girls (and guys) fall into this trap of failing to convey with words what’s on their mind. People are not mind readers so make sure there is an open dialog between the two of you. There is nothing worse than a girlfriend who clearly is upset but does not want to tell you what she is upset about. The tone to which this communication takes place is also very important. Remember to avoid judging or blaming the other person. It should be a conversation not the blame game.

3. Both of you have similar sex drives

Sex shouldn’t be the only thing in the relationship but it is one of the ways couples can bond with one another. When one partner does not feel satisfied (either physically or emotionally) it can put a huge strain on the relationship. Talking openly about our desires can help.

4. She doesn’t make you pay for everything 

The girlfriend who expects her man to be her pocketbook is not a girl you want to have around. This kind of mindset is indicative of a privileged type mentality and leads to a give and take type of relationship. You are not trading goods for surfaces in a relationship, you are forming a partnership which means equality. Now I understand that there are some relationships where the pay gap between the man and the women can be substantial. In cases like this it may be advantageous for one person to pay more while the other does more household maintenance. This scenario is ok so long as both parties are happy with the outcome.

5. You do things for each other

Cooking, cleaning, back massages, blow jobs. All of these things men love but men should also be giving back. If she likes movies take her to a movie. If she likes ice skating take her ice staking. Both people should strive to make the other happy. Note: many people fall into the trap of expecting a “reward” for doing things which is a bad mentality to have and brings me to my next point.

7. You want to make each other happy 

Don’t do things for her because you’re expecting her to do something for you. You should want to make her happy because you care about her. If both people maintain this mentality the relationship can only flourish.

7. She does not hold grudges

People make mistakes and we should forgive people when those mistakes happen. If the mistake is something that you think you can never forgive (such a cheating) then it’s time to break up. The worst thing you can do is hold grudges. All this will do is bring unwanted disdain and negativity into the relationship. Forgive or forget. 

8. She let’s you know how much she cares about you 

People express their love in different ways. Some do this with gifts. Others with physical affection or verbal praise. Learn what each others “Love language” is and start speaking it.

9. You both feel comfortable communicating with each other about difficult topics 
Talking about sexual desires, what she likes, what she doesn’t like. These are the things you need to know about each other. This comfortableness comes with time but I have found that if your willing to open up and be vulnerable it makes the other person more likely to do the same.

10. Your there for each other during hard times 

Life hits hard sometimes. The loss of a love one or being fired from a job: these times can be hard and we should be there for each other during these times. If you got laid off and are activity trying to find a job your girlfriend should not be nagging you to start making money. During these times she might have to take on some more of the expenses just like when her hard times come you should be willing to support her. Be each others safety net not each others spike trap.

11. She doesn’t take everything personally 

She knows that your relationship is not the only thing influencing your emotions. If your feeling down she shouldn’t automatically think it’s her fault. She understands that factors like work, family members, and friends can also affect you and she is there to support you (just like you should be there to support her).

12. You both like the same things 

I can’t tell you how awesome its is to have a girlfriend who loves Pokemon, anime, board games, and movies as much as I do. Find activities that you both like to do.

13. Your friends think she’s cool 

It is very common to experience a love high when first entering into a relationship. During this time your judgement can be obscured and all you can see are the good things and ignore the bad. That’s where friends come in. They act like unbiased judges for you to help you decide whether she is in fact a good fit for you. As a requirement for this one you’ll need good honest friends who are not afraid to tell you their honest opinion. Sooner or later the love high will decrease and you start to see not only her strengths but also her weaknesses. It is then where you have to decide whether you can accept her for who she is or not but your friends can save you a lot of grief by giving you their honest opinion during the start of the relationship.

14. She doesn’t try to change you but supports you in becoming your best self 

 You both want to improves yourselves and by doing so you make each other better people. Note that your only trying to improve yourself, not the other person. Your weaknesses are her strengths and vise versa.

Thanks for reading and let me know what you think are good traits of a girlfriend or relationship. If you enjoyed reading don’t forget to like, share, and subscribe to my blog!  To subscribe just enter your email into the box on the upper right. I post every Sunday at 8 AM pacific standard time!

Cheers,

Letters to Help